Jake,

How come you have not been writing on the site at all lately?

Answer:

My response may seem lame, but a circular or evasive answer would be unfair to my readers, for whom I am immensely thankful. Anabolic Stories’ content has stagnated because of a brutal case of writer’s block. As such, the columns that I have written in the past couple of weeks have not been posted. They are indicative of an immensely distracted mind.

That said, I expect to return to publishing articles in the near future. The mental obstruction will eventually fade and thoughts will become coherent pieces.

I will not thank you in advance for your understanding because I do not know if you understand my brain’s plight.

My response may seem pathetic, but a circular or evasive answer would be unfair to my readers, for whom I am immensely thankful. Anabolic Stories’ content has stagnated because of a brutal case of writer’s block. As such, the columns that I have written in the past couple of weeks have not been posted. They are indicative of an immensely distracted mind.

That said, I expect to return to publishing articles in the near future. The mental obstruction will eventually fade and thoughts will become coherent pieces.

I will not thank you in advance for your understanding because I do not know if you understand my brain’s plight. But, I hope you do.

Jake, What do you think of the Leafs’ latest acquisitions of Colby Armstrong and Kris Versteeg? Will they help get the Maple Leafs into the playoffs?

Answer:

The two newest significant Toronto Maple Leafs’ players, Kris Versteeg and Colby Armstrong, should improve the club. The two add grit and modest scoring ability. Versteeg seems poised to develop into a 25-30 goal scorer after netting 20 goals in his 79-game sophomore season.

But, these acquisitions will not catapult the Leafs into meaningful contention. Sure, the combination of obtaining Versteeg and Armstrong, a (barring injury) full season with Dion Phaneuf, Phil Kessel, as well as the underrated penalty killer Fredrik Sjostrom in the line up, and the absence of Vesa Toskala will likely keep the team out of the Eastern Conference basement.

However, Brian Burke’s building model is unlikely to transform Toronto into an elite team, like the Chicago Blackhawks, Pittsburgh Penguins, and Washington Capitals. Frankly, the most judicious and effective construction model of the post-lockout era (and arguably pre-lockout age) is ranking among the National Hockey League’s worst squads, hence collecting top draft choices. It provides an organization with frontline talent on entry level contracts. As such, free agent signings and trade gains can compliment homegrown superstars.

The Leafs’ building strategy is radically different than the NHL norm. Whether it will be successful is uncertain. But, the chance of Burke’s plan ending the Buds’ Stanley Cup drought is low.

Roth man, I have heard through the grapevine that you’re into poetry and write some of your own. Can I see something that you have written?

Answer:

You are not the first person to request that I release some of my poetry. But, I have hitherto chosen not to publicly share my work. As such, the following poem is the first that I will reveal to the masses.

Sand Does Not Trap Rays

I have escaped civilization,
Wandering aimlessly through a pitch-black desert.
A gentle wind choreographs the hallowed floor.
A refreshing cold air has usurped the day’s excruciating heat.

Sand does not trap rays.

Humanity is nonexistent.
Peering up, down, side to side,
I only know the contents of my mind.
I can only feel the present.

When the darkness subsides, I will see again.
When the warmth returns, I will remove my shirt.
But now, I exist in chilly darkness.
Tomorrow is a mystery.

Sand does not trap rays.
Nothing lasts forever.

The stars and the moon are hidden.
Yet, I stand in utter darkness and light.
I am a nomad.
We are all nomadic.

I must accept change.
I am not in control.
I have only the power to interact,
The power of awareness.

Sand does not trap rays.
Nothing lasts forever.
We will all turn to sand.

-Jake Roth

Answer: Toy Story 3

The majority of animated movies are marketed to children. They are usually colorful, hyper, and have simple plot lines, which make them conducive to youngsters. However, if adults forego a nap while their children view these films, they may notice a plethora of social commentary and subtle themes. Finding Nemo, Wall-E, and A Bug’s Life come to mind as flicks which transcend the obvious.

However, Toy Story 3’s subtleties are most memorable. The film’s main human character, Andy, bequeaths his toys, for he has outgrown them and must “clean house” before leaving for college. We see an individual who must say good-bye to “objects” that were once (and still remain) the source of innocent happiness, but may soon become relics in his increasingly busy mind. He decides to put the toys in the attic. Alas, Andy’s mother mistakes them for trash. But, the toy protagonist, Woody, saves them and they find an interim home at the local daycare center. Their journey to escape this inferno of snotty youths is complex. In it, the viewer should observe unwavering friendship and society’s disregard for the past; obsoleteness surrounds us. This synopsis will remain vague, as I do not intend to spoil key plot details.

Toy Story 3 was especially meaningful to me because I recently graduated from high school. I will miss my teachers, friends, and the school’s faculty, like Andy may yearn for his toys. I am excited for the copious opportunities ahead, but do not want to leave the place that I considered home. Toy Story 3 reminded me of my life’s position, which led to plenty of reflection. It is thus both my favorite animated movie and one of the best motion pictures that I have seen.

Mr. Roth, I have read that a restaurant in Arizona served lion meat. That’s despicable, isn’t it?

Answer:

If you are a meat eater, lion consumption should not be particularly deplorable. Your food is merely another life lost. But, meat eating animal activists, who might as well be prostitute nuns, may argue that lions are too adorable to consume.

Folks, these ridiculous cuteness and cuddliness arguments are red herrings. The real ethical “dilemma” is whether slaughtering a species with a nervous system is acceptable. Because we can live healthily without animal flesh, there need not be a conundrum. Killing is immoral.

Opponents may argue that we need meat to survive. This line of reasoning is poorly supported. A large portion of the scientific community now believes that a plant-based diet is superlative. Put simply, killing supporters’ arguments rely on insufficient evidence.

The nature of slaughter is irrelevant. Sure, a painless death is better than the alternative. However, murder is never humane…whether it involves, lions, tigers, bears, cows, monkeys, goats, sheep, ducks, chickens, golden retrievers, pigs, turkeys, fish, or other mobile species.

Do not allow the “this is why they’re here” or any of the ubiquitous unsound arguments to confuse you. The reality is indeed tautological.

Answer:

Here is the Anabolic Stories Notes synopsis of the latest Karate Kid:

Detroit’s brutal economy forces a boy named Dre and his mother to move to China. He arrives in his new location and falls in love with a girl to whom he has yet to speak. Alas, the local bully, who is also a kung fu wizard, beats him up in the playground. And, the young lady’s parents object to their relationship. He hates China. Dre undergoes months of kung fu training with his building’s superintendent and, in the end, defeats the thug in a tournament and charms his girl’s parents.

Amazingly, the film manages to exploit a poor economy, a single mother, star-crossed youth love, violence, fatal car crashes, and the emergence of an underdog. Indeed, the writers must have put The Pursuit of Happiness, Georgia Rules, Romeo and Juliet Erin Brockovich, Fly Away Home, and Rocky in a blender and hoped for a decent outcome. Frankly, the movie should make viewers want to “fly away home.”

But, its excessive use of clichés is not the flick’s most troubling aspect.

While standing up for oneself is a noble message, this principle is disturbingly portrayed. Dre’s mother applauds him as he pounds other children in a kung fu tournament. When the Detroit native breaks his leg, his coach and mom allow him to continue fighting.

What is the moral of The Karate Kid? You can beat someone up as long as you bow before doing so.

Why does Sid Ryan have an important job?

Answer:

The Ontario Federation of Labour’s President, Sid Ryan, is luckier than the Baha Men, the one-hit wonder that created the ridiculous, yet popular song, Who Let the Dogs Out?. Ryan’s fortune is the public’s misfortune: he has a meaningful job.

This week, the Sarah Palin School of Communication Studies graduate (cum laude) regaled the masses with an analytical gem. According to Ryan, the Toronto Police may plant undercover agents to incite violence at the upcoming G-20 Summit in order to justify exorbitant security costs. Right…And, the United States of America orchestrated the Gulf Coast Oil Spill to vindicate the need for stronger industry regulation.

The O.F.L.’s leader is well known for scholarly beauty. He has repeatedly labeled Israel as an “apartheid state,” which ought to cast doubt on his etymological knowledge, and he fervently advocated a bid to ban Israeli academics from teaching at universities in Ontario.

Like the Baha Men’s tune, Ryan barks incomprehensibly.

Mr. Roth, I know that you are a big fan of grammar. So I’ll ask you a grammar-based question. What are seven common grammar/speaking errors that most annoy you? They do not have to be the most common seven…just seven.

Answer:

1. Incorrectly using the word “like”: “Like” may be the most common English solecism. It is used in the middle of sentences without reason: “I am going to watch a show that is like called Living in Your Car like tonight.” And, the word is employed as a dialogue-based verb. “He was like ‘let’s go to the movies tonight.’ I was like, ‘no.’” This error makes one sound quite unintelligent.

2. Basic subject-verb agreement mistakes: “What time is grandma and grandpa coming home?”

3. Misuse of the word “random”: Something that is random lacks a clear order or purpose. As such, a remark cannot be “random.” It may be irrelevant to a conversation, but certainly not “random.”

4. Quote vs. Quotation-“Quote” is a verb: “I will quote Sylvia Plath.” Quotation is a noun: “This quotation exemplifies the stupidity of Fox News.”

5. Confusing validity with soundness: Validity refers to logical form, not truth. In short, if the conclusion of a given argument follows it premises, no matter how ridiculous it is, the statement must be true. For example: “All baseball players live in Toronto. Jose is a baseball player. Therefore, Jose lives in Toronto.” Of course, this syllogism is untrue, but it is valid. Because the conclusion is false, it is unsound, for soundness is a measure of truth.

6. Passive voice: One who uses passive voice does not subscribe to the rule of omitting needless words. For example, “Aaron Hill caught the ball” is more effective than saying, “The ball was caught by Aaron Hill.”

7. Often times: What does “times” contribute to a sentence?

Is captaincy important in hockey?
Answer:

Captaincy is only important to the fans.

A captain’s duties are insignificant to the game. While they are supposed to be the only players on the ice who may talk to officials, simple observation reveals that anybody may speak to a referee or linesman. And, the result is always the same. The call is not reversed. Put simply, most captaincy roles are public relations-based. Taking a ceremonial face-off is a gesture for the fans and has no bearing on the match.

One does not need a “C” or an “A” to be a leader. Strong personalities will influence their teammates and feel comfortable addressing the squad. Indeed, legitimate authority is not a prerequisite to lead a hockey team. Referent and expert powers are sufficient.

Answer:

A large portion of the American press certainly enjoys creating “gates.” Monicagate, Tigergate, Nipplegate, and now the Fiorina-Boxer Hairgate are among the sickeningly sensationalized “news” items that have stained the annals of American history.

Though Fiorina’s remarks were childish and utterly irresponsible considering that she was in CNN studio, they were not intended to for public consumption, her schoolyard jab was a passing joke that was intended for an aide to hear. It was, in short, an error that even seeming flawless individuals commit. We all have moments of immaturity and fatuity.

Fiorina’s lapse was not cruel. It was merely a stupid conversation that belonged at a pub. While politicians are naturally held to a higher standard than the rest of society, the GOP candidate’s non-pernicious words would represent a red herring to any political discussion.

Alas, too many members of the American media are impetuously determined to allow thoughtless distractions to trivialize important issues. “Gates” have most certainly replaced white picket fences.