Toronto-The Philadelphia Phillies and the club’s fans are as relieved as an American teenage girl would be to find her Blackberry, which had been lost for ten minutes.
After a thwarted terrorist attack, players and ticket buyers ought to enjoy the company of friends and family. In short, they all deserve days off, for the emotional pain that they had to endure is unparalleled.
Thanks to the courage of a local police officer, the lesson of carpe diem has been bestowed on the hitherto ignoramuses. Those in attendance at the Cardinals-Phillies series’ first tilt are, frankly, fortunate to be alive.
The life-threatening violence is difficult to describe due to its gruesome nature. The following details may induce nightmares, cold sweats, and/or Bleeding Eye disorder. You have been warned.
In the game’s eighth inning, a 17-year old jumped onto the field. He was dressed in radical clothing, which included a Phillies’ World Series Championship t-shirt, baseball cap, and khaki shorts. Most disturbingly, the teenager was holding a white towel with Phillies insignia.
The heroic officer, who should be awarded with a statue of himself, a key to the city, Commendation for Valor, and Jack Bauer t-shirt, injected thousands of watts into the evil criminal. Following a petrifying 30 seconds of the culprit running in circles, he was Tasered.
Of course, violent tactics ought to be used for a heinous crime, like trespassing.
The Phillies organization should certainly ameliorate stadium security to prevent such wickedness from penetrating its sanctuary. Permitting threats to national security to enter Citizens Bank Park is an appalling breach of the public’s trust.
Tasers are an insufficient deterrence and form of protection. Hence, the franchise needs a new defense strategy.
First row seats ought to be armed with guard dogs. A canine patrol unit needs to “subdue” anybody who comes near the field with dangerous equipment, such as white towels. Only pit bulls on steroids should be part of the squad.
Next, the organization must implement a lockdown policy. If a trespasser bypasses the pooches, fans should immediately hide under their seats. All sections should recline into a bunker that would be 500 feet below field level. A shelter with steel towel-proof doors needs to be built. Until these projects are completed all events scheduled to take place at the park have to be postponed or canceled.
Finally, at least 70 snipers must patrol the regular season home of the Phillies. Trespassers or owners of fundamentalist paraphernalia (i.e. khakis) must be shot in the heart.
The club’s owners and Major League Baseball are responsible for the allowing the terrorist trespasser to spread his perniciousness.
Without Officer Hothead’s bravery, the night probably would have ended tragically. Now, meaningful changes are needed.
